Many people confuse being assertive with being aggressive. However, they are very different. Justin Arocho from the Manhattan Centre for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy explains the difference this way:

“Assertiveness is a helpful way of communicating that is clear, direct, and constructive. It’s built on the understanding that your own needs and another’s needs are both important to consider, and that both deserve to be respected.

Aggressiveness, on the other hand, is a way of communicating where you try to control the behaviour of others. You put your own needs first, without any consideration for the other person’s needs.”

In other words, assertiveness is based on emotional self-control where a person stands up for themselves, their beliefs and values in a non-threatening, non-manipulative and respectful way. Aggressive communication however resorts to intimidation, abuse or manipulation to get its way usually with little self-awareness or self-control.

Assertiveness strengthens communication and develops interpersonal relationships whereas aggression undermines communication and sabotages relationships.

Little wonder then that anyone who wants to succeed in work or in life needs to be assertive. And this is particularly true for those who are leaders or aspire to become one.

The Benefits of Assertiveness

In addition to improving communication and strengthening relationships assertive behaviour delivers the following benefits. It:

• Facilitates the resolution of conflict;
• Encourages others to be confident and assertive themselves;
• Empowers people to take charge and authentically say what they think and feel;
• Overcomes passivity, helplessness and fear;
• Challenges those who are aggressive.

The Art of Assertiveness

People who use aggressive tactics are determined to get their way, regardless of the feelings and views of others. Usually they do so for one or more of the following reasons. They:

• Believe they are right and that their position is the best one;
• Have become ego invested in their view being the one that’s adopted;
• Haven’t taken the time or effort to understand alternate positions;
• Feel under pressure to resolve the problem or situation as quickly as possible.

People who are assertive however are primarily concerned with reaching an outcome everyone can own. While they want their position to be heard, understood and acknowledged their main motivation is to help the group come up with a workable solution. As a result they exercise a leadership role in the group using emotional intelligence (either consciously or unconsciously) to express their view in a way that encourages others to express theirs.

Assertive communication sounds like:

• “Thanks for sharing that (Name). What does everyone else think/feel?”
• “I understand (Name) your point about …. However, I believe we need to …”
• “For the reasons I’ve already given, in my view what you’ve said won’t work. How do the rest of you see it?”
• “The difficulty I have with your position is …”

Conclusion

For most of us being assertive doesn’t come easily. Generally, our cultural and/or family upbringing has conditioned us to be either aggressive or passive in how we communicate. Aggressive in order to get our own way or passive in order to ‘keep the peace’ and not upset anyone. It therefore takes emotional intelligence, particularly self-awareness of our strengths, weaknesses and emotional reactions together with the discipline to manage those reactions when we find ourselves in a situation where we experience aggressive communication.

Leaders in particular need to develop the skill of assertive communication in order to ensure team members are fully engaged, able to grow and develop in their roles and be able to tap the skills, experience and wisdom in their teams.

Graham Beattie

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