None of us likes receiving criticism. Nevertheless it’s an unavoidable reality. Because nobody is perfect, we will receive criticism both in the workplace as well as in our everyday lives. The ability to receive and respond constructively to criticism is a measure of a person’s emotional maturity. Here are some steps I’ve found to be helpful.

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1. Listen Actively 

Active listening is reflecting back to the other what you’ve heard. The two key active listening skills at this point are paraphrase and perception check. Paraphrase is summarising in your own words what you’ve heard the other person say. Perception check is reflecting the feelings you’ve picked up behind their actual words. The purpose here is to check that the content you’ve heard and the feelings you’ve discerned in the criticism are what your critic meant.

For example, following a presentation you recently made to your fellow managers you receive feedback that one of them was dissatisfied. Your possible response to the person could be: “I hear you’re disappointed with my presentation. Were you unhappy with the content or how I was delivering it? Can you help me to understand the problem?”

2. Don’t Deny, Justify or Excuse  

At this point it’s important not to react to what you’ve been hearing. So don’t deny your behaviour that led to the criticism, or make excuses by justifying your actions or blaming others. Simply allow the criticism to sit with you. This creates the space for the critic to explain further or ask you to explain the reasons for your behaviour. It shifts the focus from yourself to the other which allows you the emotional space to gather yourself and reflect on the appropriate response. As part of your reflection, ask yourself what can you learn from this encounter.

3. Respond

If following step 2 your critic asks you to explain do so as politely and non-emotionally as you can. Just give the facts from your perspective making sure you make clear your motivation or reason for your actions. Also it’s then up to your critic to assess whether your explanation is sufficient to satisfy her/him.

4. Offer to Explain

If your critic doesn’t invite you to explain the reasons for your behaviour take the initiative and ask if they would like you to do so. It’s futile to offer an explanation if your critic is not willing to listen. In that case whatever you say won’t be received and it will only seem you are trying to justify your actions.

5. Listen to Your Critic’s Response

Once your critic shows willingness and hears your explanation check for their response. Are they satisfied with what you’ve said or not? If they are, no further action on your part is probably required. But if not, there’s a further step to consider.

6. Your Response

As indicated in step 5, if your explanation doesn’t satisfy your critic you will need to decide your next step. Options include:

• Ignore the criticism;
• Accept the criticism;
• Consider – Ask for time to consider their criticism and their response in step 5. Evaluate it in light of your beliefs, values and possibly further feedback from others you might seek and investigations you might undertake and then get back to them;
• Challenge – Challenge the validity of the criticism giving your reasons and, if appropriate, pointing out how the critic has made a false assumption based on incorrect or insufficient data.

In Conclusion – Reframe and Thank

When receiving criticism always reframe it as feedback. Whereas criticism tends to come across as negative (even so-called ‘constructive criticism’) ‘feedback’ is neutral. By reframing the criticism as feedback you are giving yourself greater agency in dealing with the issue. Furthermore, always thank the person for giving you such feedback even if they were meaning to be negative. By thanking them you’re also reframing their communication as being somewhat positive. However, be sure not to come across as sarcastic (so watch your tone of voice and body language). This both takes the sting out of their words as well as giving you a sense of power in the relationship.