{"id":2392,"date":"2021-07-06T18:25:44","date_gmt":"2021-07-06T08:25:44","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/blog.australiancoachingcollective.com.au\/?p=2392"},"modified":"2021-08-24T09:51:13","modified_gmt":"2021-08-23T23:51:13","slug":"constructive-openness","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blog.australiancoachingcollective.com.au\/index.php\/2021\/07\/06\/constructive-openness\/","title":{"rendered":"Constructive Openness"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Rarely do two people talk openly about their reactions to each other.  Most of us withhold our feelings (even in relationships that are very important or dear to us) because we fear hurting others, making them angry, or being rejected by them.  Because we don\u2019t know how to be constructively open, we say nothing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The other person continues, totally unaware of our reaction to their actions.  Likewise, we continue ignorant of the effect our actions produce in them.  As a result, many relationships that could be productive and enjoyable gradually flounder and sink under the accumulated load of tiny annoyances, hurt feelings and misunderstandings that we never talked about openly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The following points increase the possibility that openness will improve a relationship rather than harming it:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

  1. Openness must stem from a desire to improve your relationship with another person.  <\/strong>Openness is not an end in itself but a means to an end.  We are not open with people who we do not want to connect with.  Indicate that you value your relationship with the other and wish to improve it because it is important to you.

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  2. Aim at creating a shared understanding of your relationship.  <\/strong>Share your thoughts and feelings with each other and clarify your perceptions.

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  3. Recognise that openness involves risk-taking.  <\/strong>You cannot receive maximum guarantee with minimum risk. Your willingness to risk your self-esteem, being rejected or hurt by each other etc., depends upon the importance of the relationship to you. Likewise, you cannot ask that the other person guarantees not to become angry or feel hurt by your comments.  The important point is that you are willing to risk them being themselves \u2013 whatever they feel \u2013 to create a growing situation for both of you. The attitude should not be \u201cWho\u2019s wrong or who\u2019s right; rather, \u201cWhat can each of us learn from this discussion that will make our working together more productive and more satisfying?\u201d

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  4. Timing is important.  <\/strong>Reactions should be shared as close as possible to the behaviour that aroused them, so that the other will know exactly what behaviour is being discussed.  That is, behaviour during the encounter itself can be commented on, eg. \u201cWhat you just said is the kind of remark that makes me feel I\u2019m not needed on the team\u201d.

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  5. Disturbing situations should be discussed as they occur. <\/strong>It is better to do this rather than saving up massive accumulations of hurt feelings and annoyance and dumping them on the other all at the one time. Some helpful ways to achieve that: